Repetition

As a writer, perspective is everything.

It’s been a while since I’ve written in the first person-the events of the last few months have been better suited for the third, especially given how overwhelming the facts themselves have been.

Today, though, I felt compelled to return to my specific perspective for a change.

The last few weeks have been challenging, personally speaking.

They’ve brought up a lot of insecurities from the past that I thought I’d gotten over long ago. I’ve written about it on my personal Facebook page, but none of it has felt quite right-none of it has effectively expressed or encompassed it all in a way that has been productive.

I’ve never liked vaguebooking or posting things that come off as whiny.

It’s also difficult to deal with something like this situation in a way that addresses the issues at hand without giving the person who caused them any more attention or power.

And, of course, choosing to focus on it at all is to risk doing just that-but ignoring it obviously doesn’t work either. If it did, I wouldn’t still be dealing with the same stuff 20 years later.

I’ve written before about what it’s like to be one of a few liberals in a very small, very conservative town.

I’ve always felt like I’m behind the ball and have to fight twice as hard for the validity of my beliefs as someone who shares the same views as the majority-as someone who condemns people like me as unpatriotic, un-Christian, unacceptable.

For a group of people who like to use the term “cancel culture” lately, they’ve done just that-cancelled me-over the last few years.

I’ve been cancelled-excluded-by people at church, former friends, parents at my daughter’s school; from everyday small town life; unfriended and blocked on Facebook.

And why? Because I’m unapologetically, persistently vocal about my views.

I don’t pretend to be blameless in it all-if I simply went along with the flow and left their opinions unquestioned, I wouldn’t be in this position-there’s no doubt about that. Everyone here basically feels the same way, so to disrupt that is frowned upon, an interruption to the status quo.

However, I also don’t think I could, in good conscience, live my life that way.

I believe just as strongly in my perspective as they do in theirs. And as a Democrat in a very red part of the country, I’m often on the receiving end of base insults, generalizations, and mistaken ideas that don’t even apply to my beliefs (read: baby killer, socialist, etc.).

And when I dare to counter that, when I speak up for myself, it’s seen as argumentative.

It’s wholly unsurprising, though, given that 90% or more of their news feeds are likely filled with people like them and opinions just like theirs. Rather than facing the challenge of having to explain their views like I do mine on a regular basis, it’s easier for them to “cancel” me.

I face the same challenges on my posts-the people that reliably counter my views and bring up uncomfortable and inconvenient questions. Some of them are even the very people that consistently make an issue of my responses to theirs.

The difference, then, lies in the fact that I’m open to productive, civil debates about my ideas. I don’t mind defending my views, because 99% of the time I can back them up with the relevant facts and data to support them.

When it comes to my political positions, I’m confident in my beliefs and the defense of them.

When it comes to personal stuff, not so much.

As I explained in my Facebook posts, my 9-year-old third-grader has dealt with the typical elementary teasing the last couple of years-nothing serious, thankfully, but annoying at the minimum.

Side note, this included some boys calling her a “sucker”, to which she called them “dum dums”-a response that I can neither condemn nor condone completely. Points for creativity?

As parents, we tend to see the multitude of factors at play in those types of situations-so sometimes it’s easy to brush it off and tell our kids to ignore the bullies and not let it bother them.

But I remember those days. It’s not just “nothing” a lot of the time. And sometimes, it’s everything.

I was overweight as a child until I joined athletics in junior high. It was far from “nothing”. I still remember not wanting to go to school in elementary and trying to get out of athletics in junior high and high school so I wouldn’t have to deal with the torment and exclusion.

Did it make me a stronger person? Maybe. Some days I think so, but other times-like recently-I can clearly see the scars those days left.

And now that my daughter is that same age, it’s hard for me to even begin to think about the challenges she’ll face. She’s tall and thin like her dad, but that doesn’t mean she’s exempt from teasing. And today, unlike when I was growing up, kids can’t escape it all when they get home. With social media and technology, it’s incessant.

As an adult, especially one with a background in psychology, I know that much of it comes from a place of insecurity on the bully’s behalf-usually, the kids (and adults) that pick on others have issues of their own.

When it comes to the people I’ve dealt with-and am currently dealing with-specifically, I know that their home lives were far less easy than mine growing up. They were marked by absent parents or other things that often have a lasting impact on kids.

With that in mind, I’ve found myself in the difficult position of seeing that hurt and the lashing out that comes from it and trying to avoid the same response myself-it’s easier to be disliked for your political views than for who you are as a person.

Over the course of all of this, I’ve had many people reach out to me to offer their support and encouragement-the dynamics of the situation I’m in have not gone unnoticed, and I think most just don’t want to be involved in the public exchanges.

What I’ve heard over and over is that parents-specifically mothers-themselves are dealing with the same things, personally and/or with their kids. Apparently a lot of us don’t really know how to deal with the bullying our kids are facing when we’re still dealing with wounds of our own.

So, then, the question becomes what to do with it?

How do we deal with our own insecurities while trying to address those of our kids?

I’ve tried to focus on the advice I’ve given to my daughter-be an includer, not an excluder. Know that the people who are being mean to you are probably doing so because they’re hurting in some way. Never be the first to swing, but defend yourself.

Apparently, it’s all still relevant even when you’re 32 and have been out of high school for 15 years.

I do feel like I owe an apology to the people I’ve hurt in the course of expressing and defending my views-that was and never has been my intent. When you start off from a position of defense, it’s easy to respond in that way, regardless of the productivity of it.

When you’re constantly attacked-whether personally or generally-it wears on you, so I get it. Even if I haven’t meant to target anyone in particular, I can see how people have felt that way. It’s so easy to take those broad generalizations as personal.

I’m also taking ownership of being proactive-or as some would call it, aggressive-in my views. I promise, I really don’t seek out opportunities for conflict; however, I suppose due to Facebook’s algorithms they do tend to pop up in my news feed, and well-I’m not going to let misinformation or what often seems to be a direct challenge to my views go unanswered.

I also know that most people are as secure in their views as I am in mine, but I don’t see a point in avoiding civil discourse. I firmly believe that’s the entire reason we’re in the position we’re in as a nation in the first place.

As I’ve said previously, I’m unapologetic in that regard. I don’t see any sense in holding back my own perspective when everyone else is so generous with theirs. Just because it runs counter to the mainstream doesn’t mean it’s argumentative-it just means that we’re all entitled to our own opinions and to challenge those of others.

All in all, I have to look at this situation from the broader perspective:

• The people who express their own political views on social media should be okay with them being questioned by others-it’s a semi-public forum.
• Even if you disagree with someone politically, there is no reason you can’t get along otherwise. Most of my family and local friends have a different political perspective than I do, and we still love each other.
• Similarly, even if you don’t like someone’s politics, you can still stand up for right and wrong-which was an integral part of the recent issue. If you don’t stand for truth and basic decency, what’s left?
• If you use these types of situations for social fodder, you should do so with the knowledge that the same can and will probably be used against you at some point-the people that thrive on these things don’t care who or what the subject is, just that it’s entertaining.
• Hurt people hurt people. The people responsible for making others feel less than probably feel less than themselves.

I think our biggest, most hopeful opportunity for change lies in our children. We have the chance to right the wrongs in the world by making sure they’re caring, compassionate people.

And while I obviously have an innate desire for them to share my views, I think that each and every person should have the chance to develop their own opinions-to know what they stand for and why. For that reason-and because my husband has more conservative views than I do-we try to be as objective as possible when discussing political issues with our kids.

At the end of the day, I think we’re all doing the best we can to get through life relatively unscathed. Our responses to every issue we encounter-whether big or small-are influenced by our unique histories. And as much as we would like to think those things don’t have a lasting impact on our lives, I think most of the time they do-more than we realize.

I recently received a Facebook message from someone that included the suggestion that I “wear a plastic bag over my head” or “just go eat a bullet”, because apparently I’m a “stupid n*gger loving c*nt”.

I don’t think I’ve ever even personally interacted with them.

This person’s Facebook profile picture is of Trump flipping the bird, and their bio reads “We are a family that stands for this country, the flag and the National Anthem. We back the blue.”

Apparently, they stand for everything except common decency.

These are the kinds of people I face on a regular basis, so it shouldn’t be surprising that I hold a certain view of them and their hypocrisy. I’m sure this person would claim to be a Christian and condemn my pro-choice views, all the while saying such hateful, disgusting things.

I’m sure they would say that I’m the terrible person, all for pointing out their racism/sexism/general xenophobia-that I’m the “sheep” for daring to have a perspective that counters the mainstream narrative in our area-oh, the irony.

The paradox lies in the fact that their views are the ones that are dying out. Their perspectives are the ones that won’t be treated kindly by history, much like those of the Confederates and Nazis and anti-civil rights era activists.

Their views are the ones that some future generation will be fighting to either “cancel” as the hate they represent or be preserved in the guise of a warning of history’s likelihood of repeating itself, while actually serving to monumentalize their views.

In essence, through our children and in history alike, we’re doomed to repetition unless we consciously do something about it.

I think that all of us-even Mr. “Go Eat A Bullet”-have been on the receiving end of hate and bullying and things that eat away at our confidence.

I also think that we all have the power to change that-to break the cycle.

In my opinion, that requires acknowledging our own shortcomings while standing firm in our personal beliefs and the notions of right and wrong-because even though we might disagree on how it’s achieved, I think we all want our kids-our country-to succeed.